I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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