Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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