you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dick very happy bro
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
