For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
