possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
