my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
