Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
