never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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