I can tuck mytits in my pants
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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