the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
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I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
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he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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