He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
