sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
