You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
