today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
