I skipped work to stalk him.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
