The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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