Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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