what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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