I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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