I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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