Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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