In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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