I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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