you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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