Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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