I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
