I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
