WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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