watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
