Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
