I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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