Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
