There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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