Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
