just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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