if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
