you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
