oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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