I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
