Just mADE A PArabola og urine
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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