I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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