Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
