Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
