I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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