So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
