Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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