Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
