Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
