Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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