sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
