literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
