I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
