Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
