I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
