I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
