the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She bit a glass in half.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
