girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
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I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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